as i move through

Slamming doors, banging plates. Swearing words, screaming cries. Trapped in these four walls, full of rage, full of agony. Brought up in a house of hatred, too far from the embrace of love... And you tell me,"She hates YOU!" ? So I must back off you say? So I must leave just like that, you say? So this won't do any good, you say? Do you think that it would be enough, when I have living under hatred since I was a kid? Pulling hairs, dragging down the stairs. Kicking and punching wherever in reach. The screams of pain, cries of anger. The rage in their fathers' eyes. The pain in their mothers' face. The wailing kids just a mere audience... And you tell me,"She hates YOU!" ? So I must back off you say? So I must leave just like that, you say? So this won't do any good, you say? Do you think that would shut me out, when I've been kept in the shadow since I was 1? When I was always the 'witness' kid, brought up u...

With every step I take, they will be dragging me down. With every word I write, they will be pulling the trigger. Forcing me to step back, forcing me to erase it all. I try hard to find, a guiding light to follow. I try ,with what's left, to search, for a wall to lean on. But the journey is so endless. And I have lost much courage... Every other battle is just another loss, nothing more. Every other plead is just another cry, nothing more. But there's no one to help me stand up, No one to reassure me here. Every dream seems to be fading... Every hope just hanging by a thread... Every prayer seems to be breaking... Every breath bringing closer the death... Every whisper just saying goodbye...

There will be those strangers, there will be that friend. Those pairs of eyes, blinking too quick; pushing back the tears; fighting away all the pain. They will all be drenched, standing in that pouring rain. Letting the fierce thunderbolts, into their ears, shocking their heads. The white petals on the roses, collecting every possible drop. The black coffin resting, on top of the tall platform. The body inside, sleeping in peace. All others outside trying to muster some courage. And the priest will start, saying aloud the prayers… Everyone there will silently, eulogize the one long-gone. The silent tears escaping out, Hoping for a proper resting place. The music will begin; the one she hummed the most. Fighting back the screams, rewinding the memories in their heads. Remembering her beside the campfire, singing to her favorite tune. The Undertaker standing steady,...

निम्ति, मेरा निम्ति म आफै त्यहि अन्योल मिश्रित  लिएर पछ्याउदै ती धमिला किरण थम्यौदै ती सुक्ष्म आवाज म खोजि गर्दै छु आफ्नै अस्तित्वको आफु भित्रै बिलाएको 'म ' को खै के कति कारणले 'म ' हराएँ आफैलाई पत्तो छैन। सबैले  भने, 'म ' हराएँ रे! बिलाएँ  रे कतै त्यहि भीडमा ! सोचहरुकै भीडमा बिलीन भएँ रे ! 'होला सायद।' भन्दै टारीदिएँ। तर आज म आफैसँग प्रश्न गर्दै छु, लडिरहेकी छु म  आफैसँग आफैलाई। बाझ्दै छु म आफैसँग आफ्नै परिचयका लागि, प्रश्न गर्दै छु म आफैलाई हराएको 'म ' का  बारे।  खोज्दै छु आफैलाई  हिजो छाडिसकेका लतहरुमा, भेटाउन खोज्दै छु आफैलाई, आफु भित्रकै कणकणमा। मलाई तर्साउँदै थिए, मेरा आफ्नै आशाहरु, मलाई बिलीन पर्दै थिए , मेरा आफ्नै उद्देश्यहरु। मलाई लडाउँदै थिए , मेरा आफ्नै पाइलाहरु , सायद त्यसैले होला , सबैले हिजो सोधेथे ," 'म' कता हराएँ ?"

"Have you got lost in this crowd, dear?" "Have you got strayed from your path?" The same question in every ones piercing eyes. The same concern in every ones curious faces. But how could I trust all those strangers when, I have been betrayed so many tines by the familiar ones? How could I tell them I have lost? Lost, in a war against myself... Standing there on the corner of the street with much hope, And the diary held held firmly, close to my heart... Standing feebly, accepting all those grazing gazes. Waiting and wanting the time to fly soon... Five, Ten, Fifteen... The minutes glided away. Sixty. And the hour flew away. And then I go, dragging myself ahead. Recollecting all the pieces, fixing myself into 'one' again. And that was when I wanted to walk up to a stranger, and ask him to slap me and bring my senses to life. And that was when I realized it was still YOU, unfazed, untouched by the betrayal, by th...

I've seen you shine like the rainbow. I've seen you rage like the storm. And that is why I have every right to say that I adore everything about you... I've known your true color. I've known your fake smiles. And that is why I know how you change, just like the weather, every once in a while. I'm bound to wonder how beautiful you can be. I'm bound to ponder how you do everything so fine. And that is why I know how you can just make me smile even when you say or do nothing.

You’d never know why every time you walk beside me, I have to fit my hands in the pockets of my jeans or Just clench them tight into a fist. Just so they don’t reach out to touch you… You’d never know why I have to keep talking About me, about you or the weather.. Or just smile at all the interesting things you say. Just so that I’m distracted of the thought of how you’d taste.

Years have passed since that day. But my heart takes no notice of time. It keeps turning back the pages, Rewinding the same old song. You didn't turn back, I guess. But at least, you know who I am. May be you don't remember my name, But at least you know I was there. Your heart has swapped places multiple times. I've lost track of how much I've lost. Your vows to stay through thick and thin, Vanished just like the footprints on the beach. A little hope still remains ad-mist the doubts, that a little love is still left; even if it's just a spark... I'm still waiting for the chains to break, For the walls to fall and for the sky to clear....

That perfect shade of hazel brown... Elegant than the azure ocean.. It's a mirror to my soul, a window for my world. They glisten and glow... like the bright guiding star, leading me to where I belong, shaping me into what I am to be. The sheltering shine in them, ensuring me of brace. The sensational warmth, captivating all my certitude. Yes, they are your eyes that I trust, for they don't betray like your words; nor can they be faked as your smile. Your eyes, I trust. Your eyes, I believe.

I thought I had known you long enough, To know who you are and the ways you’d choose. To know what you’d do at times as such. To know how you’d handle things like these. But it still is hard so see you with her. To see you with the one who cheated on you. With the one who couldn't see you as I do. It still hurts, somewhere deep inside, somewhere. I have seen you walk in the rain; On the same lane that we walked upon. Now you walk the same avenue with her. In the rain with her, with the one who betrayed. You deserve someone far better than me. I know that, I believe that. But not with the one who doesn't count you. Not with the one with a pretty face and a masked heart. I might not have the right to guide you through. I might not be supposed to see you like this. What else am I to see instead of the road ahead of me? What else am I to do when you dragged me into the dark? Who matters? The one you like or the one who loves you? ...

प्रत्येक पाईला भासिंदैछ अघि बढूं कसरी ? हरेक आवाज बिलाउँदैछ सबै कुरा भनूँ कसरी ? आँट बटुलेर अघि सर्दा आँशु बनी झर्छ किन ? ज्योति बनी डोर्याउनेहरु मोड-मोडमा हराउंछन् किन ? आफू आफैसँग भागिरहेछु थाहा छैन किन । गन्तव्य खै कहाँ हो थाहा छैन किन । शब्द कोरेर सम्हालिन खोज्दा अझै लर्बराउँछु । आशा लिएर उठ्न खोज्दा अझै पछारिन्छु । जिन्दगी यस्तै हो भनी किन भन्छन् सबै  ? बाटो अप्ठ्यारो छ  भनी पछि किन सार्छन्  सबै ? साथी कोही हुन्नन् भो नजाऊ भन्छन् किन ? एक्लै आएथेँ म, एक्लै जानु  छ , स्वतन्त्र  उड्न देऊ । आकाश छुन नसकेपनि धर्तीमै केही गर्नेछु । बाटो आफै बनाउंदै छु , छैन भनी नपन्छाऊ न । पाइला सानै होलान् , आँट थोरै होला, तर म गर्छु र म बन्छु।

I wonder how you put on that brave face. 'How did you get that scar?,' I ask. I wonder how you ward off the trickiest of questions. 'How have you been all this time?,' I ask. Months back, on my birthday, we last met. And then I didn't see you,you didn't see me. We have both grown up and apart since then. Separate paths taken, several scars earned. Inevitable the change is, I admit. Unimaginable the outcomes become, I noticed. How vast the differences turned out! How huge the distances resulted to be! We both don't know what the future beholds. We both don't know who will be there beside us. It's a journey unknown, on a road less traveled. It's a game on the highest difficulty level with hints disabled. I promise, I will be there somewhere, somehow around you. No, it's not a promise, but a deal to accomplish. In this body or in the spirit, I will be there. For it's a deal and so, I must be there. The scars we have...

अतीतलाई किन यति माया गर्छु या वर्तमानलाइ गर्न किन सक्दिन ? त्यही  हिजोमै रुमलिईरहेको छु म , त्यही  पाना , खै कतिऔं पटक, पढ्दै छु म | थाहा छैन कता कुन डोरीले बाँधेको छ मलाई | थाहा छैन के-कति कारण म त्यहि अल्मलिएको छु | मनास्पटलमा खै के-कस्तो छाप बसेछ ? अतीतलाई त्यसैत्यसै बिर्सिनसक्नु बनाइदिएछ ! हिजोकै सम्झनामा आज बिर्सिरहेछु | भोलिको आशामा आज पन्छाईरहेछु | कति गर्रौं यी निरर्थक प्रयाश ? कति दोहोराऊं उही पुरानो गल्ती ? सहस बटुल्दै छु म , बाटो त्यसै बिलाउँछ | आँट जुटाउदै छु म , साहारा त्यसै हराउँछ  | आहा! कति मिठो थियो त्यो हिजो...| कठै! कति पट्यार लाग्दो बन्दैछ आज...|

I began walking after a huge fall. I began moving after a long pause. I feel everything so new and miraculous. I appreciate the breeze that caresses me with every touch. Yes, I can now feel those warm sunbeams. I can now, literally, learn how to live. I realized how I’d been all through this time. I can now comprehend the reality and the truth it beholds. The wind with every breeze makes me smile. The rain with each drop makes me long to dance. ‘Cause I realized that there is always something better, Something brighter after a rain or storm. It’s the beauty of life that I now see. It’s the treasure of truth that I now keep. Because I've changed, I've evolved, Into a better someone than I was before.

I could see you each day, talk to you for hours. I could see you smile, forget all worries and smile along. How was I supposed to know what time had planned for us? How was I supposed to know that our days were numbered? I could find reasons to smile even in grief, for you. I could pause chores just to walk in silence with you. How was I meant to believe that our time was up? How was I meant to believe that everything had to stop? The twist of fate, the increasing variance. The test of apprehension, the verge of caving in. The maze of illusions, the change of thoughts. The diversion of paths, the banishment of trust. We could never get back the way we were. We could never walk along down the lane. May be, our fates had been netted in a war. May be, the scars had been left ajar. May be, our stars didn't long for us to be 'us'. May be, our stars couldn't fathom into constellations. May be, our stars had feasible paths chosen for you and I. May be, ...

My heart's in me but not what it feels. Still, I've no command in its words and ways. My heart's held tight, no wings brought out. Still, I've not heard it's plans and it's shout. Confusion, I'm already fenced by much. Dilemma, I've already been through a lot. Don't push me into more situations as such. Don't feed me with whims that come true not. I'm a friend; nothing less, nothing more. But not 'something' you deposit and withdraw. I'm a friend, not a visitor in your life. So, don't bring me in and kick me out as you like. I don't know what and how I feel. I don't know if, for you, I count or not. So, I don't expect for you to know, Whether I'm still there, or long gone.

You lay your hands on that smooth body, Trace your fingers along the lines. You turn the beat of your heart to a tune, Create melodies with all of your touches. I sigh as I can not talk, I just whisper. Give all my heart in every move I make. I let out a silent tear 'cause it hurts me bad. Write with all my heart even if you never see. You strum those strings; you love your guitar. You don't know being called; you just don't care. I love that pen; I adore those blank sheets. They don't listen but at least they let me speak. I need not be cared as that guitar, For once just let me say what my heart holds. I need not  be caressed as those strings, For once let go of all ties and feel what I mean. I need not be memorized as those chords, For once just know that I am there. I need not be held as that guitar, For once, just for once, see that I still wait. You can strum those strings. I can fill in all the words. For once, lets sing what...

I'm not in, I'm out; out of love. Tired of faking, tired of letting go. Once was choice, twice was mistake. But thrice? That hurts even in thoughts. I could have waited before, but not now. I'm asking you to come & you're slamming the doors. It's a dead end, I realize, the exits' closed. Left with no choice, I'm bound to change tracks. I'm not in, I'm out; out of love. My heart can no longer stay in debt. It needs a payback of love, not anything else. Pleading to you is vain, I should have known. I would let go and you'd move on. Something pulled me back but you'd be gone. It's all messed up and well hid amidst the fire. There're raging dark clouds but you don't let 'em rain. I'm not in, I'm out; out of love.

Life is hard, you know. Challenges, tests and obscure committments. Our hearts give in sometimes. We don't seem to have a track of it. We all were born amateur. We've passed through hurdles, innumerable. Juggling our family, friends and work. But have we ever really had 'life'? We hold on to things, making things harder than ever. We hold on to people, making life irksome like never. We take no note of changes, as if they had been clandestine. We debar that people have changed. But they're no longer 'ours'; there's no more 'us'.

Your love is not a battle to be won, for me. Your faith is not a treasure to be stolen, for me. Your support is not a territory to occupy, for me. Your love is not a jewel to rob, for me. Yet why do I see an army ready to fight? Why do I find these tanks ready to blow off my head? Why do I see these warriors all set to knock me down? Why do I find these sky-high nailed walls? My love remains a territory yet to navigate, for you. My faith remains a mine yet to dig out, for you. My support remains a mountain yet to climb, for you. My love remains an ungoverned territory, for you. But how'd you get to reveal all that's hidden, when you're so busy managing your huge battalion. When you're standing too low to see beyond that huge wall. When you're making crazy plans to stay distant from me. The warriors have been fighting a lot vying your attention; Raising that huge wall everyday taller than ever. Those warriors are your betrayers, do you even know...

Is this an unheard song or the one you never wanted to listen? I have been singing for years, but does that even bother? There is a huge gala all around you. Their shrieks are louder than the song, aren't they? I've waited, grown weaker and older over years. You're undisturbed, the lasses still surround you. But one day, they'll be gone, for you'll not be young. Have even thought of that day coming? You might then remember that song; it's chorus and chords. You might ,then, think of the one who sang it. You might be urged to find that voice, that person, again. Those lasses won't help you, you mean no one to them, now. You discarded that song, the one full of love for you. You abandoned that maiden who still sings, just for you. Her unanswered love still awaits an answer. Her unheard song still awaits to be listened, on loop....

Adrift you may say I am; drifting on my own. Somewhere far in a fantasy of my own. "She has her own world that we don't know" I hear them say so but no one asks why. I've been searching for a friend, a companion. Someone who understands and shares the same passion. My soul yearns for a reliable mate. I ask ,"Does loneliness reign in my fate?" I've got queries and so do you, I perceive. But it's not you I trust, it's not me that you believe. Our destinies are the same, but our paths differ. You want another patron; I prefer some other. That is why, I belong to a different world, where I need not be someone else but just me. That is the reason I am afloat in my fantasy, where I need not be sad, but smile in ecstasy.

Sometimes I muse. Muse over the beginnings. Beginnings of lives and relationships. The complications that follow. The gaiety that comes along. Sometimes I ponder. Ponder over the endings. Endings of lives and relationships. The grief of abandonment. The tears that flow. The beginnings and the endings. How inevitable are they! How amusing! How heartbreaking! They form histories; Make things whole and complete. They bring moments of bliss. Often leave scars of tragedy. At times, they build dreams and hopes. Sometimes they bring down all that was ever built. But that makes up everyday, that makes living.

I don't know what magic you've learnt. I don't know what tricks you've known. You have a control over me. You own a large empire in my fragile heart. You make me trust you and hope on you. You disrupt my thoughts and self control. You create squabbles within me; to hold on or not. You charm my heart and make me love you. That's not the end, is it? You dismantle my feelings; mislead my trust. You break me down; leave me alone, abandoned. You bring the storm back; turn everything dark and grey. You gorge my heart with melancholy; make my love go stray. I didn't know why, still don't. You seemed like an angel in disguise. You appeared as an oasis in my desert. The truth, however, was not so. You turned out to be a mirage, a haunting ghost.

It's all over now, I know it's not the same. But, you know, it's me who has the pain. I've seen you smile, heard you speak, May be that's why it's you, I miss. You were mine yesterday, but she has you today. I want you to hear, but I feel that I can't say. She has you now, but I did before. I see with her and then I want you more. I saw you hold her hands, I saw you made her smile. We used to be together but now I see there's a mile. I heard you say her words that used to be for me. I want to shut my ears, close my eyes but that's all I see. I moved away but again, back to you I swayed. Then I hoped that I had you'd stay. But it's all over now, I know it's over now. It all ended back then with the words you chose to say. It's true that I miss you, true that I want you. But you're gone too far, gone for long, I know. I can't have you back, I can't hold you close. These feelings were inside me and I just let 'em flow......