Mixed Feelings

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TW: Mentions of assault and sexual abuse

I am writing this on a Monday morning because when I woke up today, I remembered fear. The fear that I felt last night when I left a happy event with my friends from work. It was a good evening for all of us - good music, conversations, fun drinks to try, and a lot of dancing. It was closer to midnight when we all left the event. I was supposed to bring one of my friends back home with me because I live close by. And in my head, up until that moment, I was ready to walk all the way home with her.

But the moment I stepped out of the venue, my brain sent me flashbacks of stories Sushmita shared. The plots I mapped inside my head were full of possibilities of us getting assaulted on our way back. That 20 minute walk felt like a trap. I was scared. I was terrified of what could happen. I was scared to walk the same roads I have walked thousands of times in the past 24 years. This feeling of fear is the first thing I remembered when I woke up today. After four hours of sleep after a beautiful evening, THAT is the emotion I woke up feeling this morning.

I just couldn’t make myself walk the way home with her. I couldn’t risk the both of us. I had to ask one of our male friends to walk us home. Last night gave me a reminder of how deeply pervasive is the fear of assault. It’s just walking - it’s something that I purely enjoy, it’s my definition of quality time and it is also crippled with fear whenever I am walking in the dark.

On social media, oftentimes, the concepts of trigger warnings are tricky. This was a story (Sushmita’s) that needed to be heard so that it could reach the audience and corrective actions were taken with support from the public. It just took me up by a storm and reminded me of how I was assaulted before and I am only now realizing how this could unroot difficult memories for me and my road to recovery would again be just as tedious.

I want to start today on a lighter note. I am so grateful to have been fortunate to receive the support I need from people around me. Even now, I have people I can rely on, friends I can ask to look out for me (even when we have had a few drinks). Years back when I was assaulted, I chose to speak about it because I was enraged. It was anger that made me report my offender - but I couldn’t have done it if I didn’t get the support from people around me.

In the light of the recent events- there have been dialogues, protests and conversations about sexual abuse and harassment. Sushmita Regmi chose to speak for herself about when she was 16 and how she was drugged and raped. Her videos were shared around in social media and the amount of support she has received following her statements is very remarkable and I, for one, am hopeful for the change in the statute of limitations on rape and sexual abuse.

One of these days, may we all get to walk the streets without fear. Until then, may we always have the support we need to go through all the battles that we either choose to share or keep.

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