in fragments

Here's a little rundown of bits and pieces from my memory at 22 years of age because I am suddenly pathetically hit by the lack of it.

We were pea-sized, first grade kids when Aabha and I first met. We drifted apart for a few more years before she came back to our school from Pokhara. I was the first kid who recognized her from four years back when she was playing alone at the swings in our schoolyard. She had changed her name, her hair was different, our skin and bones had grown a lot. I just walked up to her quietly, sat on the swing next to her and asked her if she was the kid who had transferred somewhere from our school before. She was. Looking back at this now, it makes my heart fuzzy just thinking about how vivid this memory is inside my brain. I could probably even tell you what direction the wind was blowing in at that moment. And as someone who struggles with memory gaps, this feels like a huge feat, really. I am glad that Aabha and I are still pretty much the same as we used to be before, both a bit better versions of ourselves. Both still growing and grooming themselves into how they want to be. 

My father was away serving his duties in some Terai districts when dai and I were younger. I don't remember how many years he was away for or how our mom and us lived here at home when he was away. I only have faint memories of how I'd lean on the huge cupboard we have right next to where our telephone used to be. I used to tell him that we have locked all our doors properly while listen to random Bollywood music playing faintly on the radio. Sometimes, I want to ask my parents how it was for both of them to be apart from dai and myself when we were still just growing up. Sometimes, I wonder if the two of us were a little too much on Ama. Sometimes, I wonder what conversations I had with my mum and if I used to hug her randomly as I hug Baa now. Sometimes, I wonder if I called Baa just to whine to him about something dai did or if I just didn't confide about it to anyone else.   

I wonder what's the purpose behind me remembering a landline number I haven't dialed in over 7 years. Or the name of my friend's dog who I was clearly afraid of when I was young. I remember the first time I tasted the selroti her mother fed me and the time we watched filmed a Dubsmash at her house. We have barely talked to each other in the past five years. I see Rose in my dreams quite often and every time I do, I send her a little text explaining my dream to her. "I miss you," is a big constant in all of our texts. A sense of nostalgia always lingers in the back of my throat, after we talk along with a sense of longing and belonging. I think Rose is one of my friends who'd truly understand why both of us are always on the run - working on something, pushing forward, always in pursuit. We weren't even together when we began fluttering our wings, but I think she understands why we do what we do. Right now, we are in opposite side of the globe, leading our own lives in ways that are completely different from one another. Her parents talk to me about her in our rare conversations, mine do too. Maybe because we practically grew up together till high school, I am closest to what they have here that makes them remember how we were before we started trying to figure out life and living. 

This sudden walk-through down the memory lane is because Rose's family is shifting some place new as I am writing this. I probably wouldn't even have known until much later had I not walked by her house earlier today. I talked to both of her parents briefly, asked them where they were shifting and why - trivial little details. We talked about Rose, about how she is doing. They also mentioned how they have known me since I was seven and now have been too busy to be even seen around the neighborhood easily. As soon as I bid goodbye and turned around, if I cried for the entire walk back home, solely because I was overwhelmed because they were moving away, they wouldn't have to know.

I didn't ask them if they will change their telephone number at their new home. And I also didn't tell them that I have remembered theirs for well over a decade now.