I am 24 and overwhelmed.

I started writing exactly ten years before today - my first story. And the only piece of fiction I have written yet. It was the story of a family of bears living in the woods - the parents and their two children. It was a happy home. They had all their meals together and lived each day fully, there was always honey to share. The story was of the baby bear who lost her way on her way back home. 

Oh the loneliness the child felt and the fear of not finding her home again. I had no words or experience or idea of how that must of have been. Now, at 24, I feel her. I feel her a little too much. Writing was my way to talk, I started writing in my pursuit of seeking an outlet. I wanted to let go. In the world outside, I didn't know how to, didn't think I could, didn't think I should. But with words, I thought I could have my way. I could plot, plan, write, edit, scrape a draft, submit... I owned what I wrote. With my writings, I felt that I had something to call my own. As I grew, learnt more of the world, writing became my escape. 

Here in this blog, I have immortalized a lot of my feelings, people I have met, moments in my life, my emotions in their true, raw shell. For someone like me, who has hidden deep, dark secrets inside her head, this blog is so much more than a posts. This blog is a big part of me, my life, my story. I always came here to run away from the world, from people. So many times, I am here to escape myself. I know I can not hide me from myself, I am my soulmate. I have to be here in the moment for myself for as long as I can. 

But there are days when I just want to flip a switch and call it quits because this is SO draining. Right now, i don't know what this is but it is so heavy. I need to rest. I need to go find myself again. But to do all of that, I need to get away. I can never do what I am supposed to do with myself when I am here, not in this house, not with these people, not in this city. I need to be away, I deserve to see the world and what it has for me. 

I need my 24th to be that year for me. The year where I get to see the world, where I get to connect with myself and figure out what to do with the demons in my head. God. I need this year to be it. I think I should get this year to be mine. I can not give up, not now, not after all this. Writing this here in my blog, the one that has seen me through everything in life, means a big deal to me. It means everything to me. 

Today as I celebrated my new year with my friends, at work and online, I heard so many people tell me I carry so much light and good energy in me. "You make me feel warm", "You have such bright energy", "You are so jolly and lively", "You are the most cheerful person I have ever met".... I saw pictures that they took, shared - where I look so happy - my eyes turned into crescents, in some I have my widest smiles. I watch all of it and think - wow is that how I look to people? I am happy? I carry a light in me that is bright enough for others to see? I am visible? I have so many questions and even more doubt. Who is this person that the world sees and who is the person I get up with every morning? Who is it that my parents see? 

I am playing Sleep on the Floor on loop as I write this post, shedding all the tears I have held in the past months because God knows I have held on for a while now. One can only do so much on her own. This song has been my prayer, my solace in my highest and my lowest. In my heart, I know I will find no song that has moved me as much as this until I am living my long-term dream. 

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Letting it out:

For my parents, I fear I have been a nuisance. No, I don't do drugs or go clubbing. I work, I come back home. I save up what I earn. I buy groceries occasionally. I paid for my tuition in college, graduated. I have done everything I never imagined doing as a child. I fended myself through the years. But I still think I am not doing enough for them as their child. This guilt eats me up each weekend and I often choose to stay home - I need to spend time with them, I convince myself. There are days when I feel that I have been patient enough with all of this, I deserve my chance at freedom. I need to be taken out of this guilt. I need to be away from all of this. I need to come back home years later and get a reset at being a "good" daughter. 

For my closest friends, I loop myself out from friendships way too often. I say I get these phases when I want to stay apart and recharge on my own. I end up taking long breaks from conversations and relationships. And when I do, I observe. I watch how dependent I am on them, on what we share and how replaceable I feel in every friendship I have ever built. When I go distant from my friends, I see them thrive even more and I see them achieve big things too. This happens every time and I can no longer make myself think these are mere coincidences. If my friends are better off without me, I don't want to be the bad person holding them back. 


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