This should have been a text message

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In my mind, I had pictured 15 different opening sentences to this blog post. But none of it seems right - all sentences were a whole less brutally honest than I wanted them to be. My blog has been my safe space since I started this back in 2011. I have always come here to let off my biggest secrets, my stories wrapped around in a dozen or so of sentences. This has been my escape. And today I am back here to just let things off of my chest. 

I am not the best at reaching out to people. But I am also someone who would leave a note on your desk or text you at a random time just because something else I saw reminded me of you, or if I saw or heard something that I think you'd appreciate, I'd let you know. These days, I have been thinking about this a lot. There are a lot of what-ifs involved but I am just honestly curious. Do people really feel equally guilty for reaching out to people and for not doing so? I often find myself constantly torn between - what if I am being too unnecessarily nosy or what if I have been unavailable for so long that they no longer care about things that I tell them? Am I too late to text them and ask for a life update? Am I too clingy and maybe they need space? 

I also have a supply of counter-arguments. For true relationships (whatever is the definition of "true"), time and distance are only just variables - they won't matter as much your mind thinks it does. But I think time and tide wears out the strongest among us. There needs to be something that keeps things going. The point is - who stands at the end of keeping things going? Is it people making efforts at both ends or is it just a singular someone trying to keep up? 

I keep finding myself in a deep spiral of self-doubt, identity crisis and having to constantly seek of affirmation and validation is honestly draining. Because I am currently in that spiral, I will just say these here:

  1. I bleached my hair and dyed it blue - now my hair is a rainbow of black, brown, gold, green and blue.
  2. I am gonna start working again from next Sunday. I am excited, nervous and eager to start.
  3. I have no idea about how to talk to you and where to start.
  4. I care but I am insecure and I constantly feel very insufficient so I don't know if you do. 
I will one day maybe come look at this blog and wonder why I wrote bullet points here instead of just texting you. But I am just tired of having to feel like the only one trying to do something about this. I had to let this off my chest, even if I am 100% sure you will not be reading this. 

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