2020. So it has been.

I want to say that it's okay. I want to say that I am walking out of 2020 with a lighter heart. I want to stay on the brighter side of the ledge and say that things are all right. But a bigger part of me is so bitter. I have barely an hour left till I walk into 2021 as I write this. So let me just be as honest as I can and just say it out loud. I feel bitter about how 2020 went for me. 

When I turned 22 last year in March, I was already preparing myself to take bigger, bolder decisions and bring changes to my life that I had been wanting to for so long. I wanted to see more of the world and learn and grow more as I did so. I wanted to pursue what I felt passionate about and strive for it. I wanted to leave home and build a space for myself somewhere far off and see for myself what it meant to live like that. I wanted to chase sunsets in unknown terrains, maybe touch the sea with my bare hands, and tell the waves that I've come home. I wanted to get lost and find a purpose all over again. I felt ready to leap. But days after the first week of March, everything turned bleak and all I was left with was a frail ray of hope. 

I did what I was always taught to do - find a way through things, live through them, and see how it goes. In between April and May, I left a job that I loved (and wanted to come back to in the future) with the hopes of working a way to get into Grad school. But I also needed to take a break. I was only 22 but I felt too burnt out for anything. I had jumbled college with work for almost all my four years of college - always keeping myself busy. I earned a decent amount, I paid most of my bills through my college years. I was hustling the way I had made myself believe that I needed to. I was happy but I was so tired. 

May was when I decided I needed to get some time for myself and just sit, look at the sky, and paint. I started waking up at 6 instead of 4 in the morning and for weeks, I thought the extra two hours of sleep made up for my rest. I started freelancing mid-May and signed up for a dozen online classes too. I couldn't rest. And by some time in July, I was looking for jobs online and sending my resume to a select few places already. Anytime that I wasn't working on commissions or learning something new for my art, I was listening to music, watching variety shows, and cooking videos on YouTube. On random days, I cooked some dishes for my family. I had a lot of quiet time with myself during sunsets when I watered the plants, thought about anything and everything. But I was keeping myself constantly occupied with a thing or another. 

Through August and September, I switched jobs twice. One didn't feel like "it", the other had an environment too patronizing for me, and I didn't want any of it. I was sending my resume to two new places as soon as I quit that job. I was taking up some art projects as well. I did an elaborate project on COVID-19 and sanitation awareness for a Government organization here in Nepal which I am really glad to be a part of. I was drawing at least one BTS fanart every two weeks or so while I devoured a multitude of fanfiction. I left all my worries for board daylight or the wee hours of the night. I was spending all of my evenings by myself dancing to songs in my playlist. October and November swept by in between festivities and doing things for the family. December was barely here but it brought so many uprooting changes in my life. I was approached for a well-paying job that left me spinning for three days. I was constantly crying in all bus rides and lonely walks because it felt so suffocating to tie myself to it while compromising for my bigger dreams. My brother moved away from home for the first time in all his life and is currently learning and working near the foothills of a mountain.

In some mornings this year, I just walked up to my dad and gave him a long hug until he just lay down with me and cooed me into sleeping for an extra ten minutes. I accepted this affection with ease. This 2020. I shared many meals with my family that I hadn't had the chance to in the last six years. At times, I dare say, I even tried to take unnecessary advantage of being the youngest one at home and running away from responsibilities at home. In some mornings, I just go sit with my dogs and they give me kisses for free and make me run around a little with them. It's all fun and games for the youngest ones in this household, I feel. I also took time with my art this year - never rushed it and didn't put any pressure on myself despite many deadlines in my art projects. I had accepted that my pace of learning and doing things doesn't have to be the same as everyone else's. This was a learning curve. But I see it clearly now. 

Thinking about all of this makes me realize I have so much to be thankful for in life... There is so much that I am grateful for - with what I have and who I have around me. But even after all that, I need to say this at least once - it was SO tiring to make everything feel like it was okay like it was normal this year when nothing will ever really go back to how it used to be. I spent 2020 entirely cooped up in my room, doing things to get by, trying to make at least something in every day count. I waited for a spring that never came for me this year - when in reality, all my favorite purple flowers were in full bloom in the streets of my city. So why did my spring not arrive this year? Was I waiting at the wrong place or did I not receive the note about its absence this year? And yet, I woke up each day in hopes of having something exciting to work on, I held on to a mirage of a hope I had created for myself. 

Reflecting back at 2020, I did achieve quite a few milestones and did a handful of things that I am so proud of. I learnt so much about myself, my mind, and my body. I am more in tune with who I am, what I need and I think that is beautiful. This makes me want to tear up a little - but I am glad to be alive. Maybe in 2021, I will get to do more living than just staying alive.