Loops and a confrontation

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When I feel fidgety enough, I tuck my hand deep in my pocket and make loops on my earphones. I thread an end to another, trying to make sense of the conversations happening around me. It rarely helps. But I do it nonetheless. With some conversations, you can't help but be fixated with trying to escape them, or put them to an end.

I have had quite some afternoons filled with monologues tiring enough to make me feel at edge. Trying to place things in order. Trying to weigh my words and actions in a way that I can weaken the projection of the forthcoming pain. Trying to make it through today so that when I see tomorrow, I have a little less to feel sad about. Some of these monologues have left me with more ache than I anticipated. Some of these monologues make me feel like I have been on this bus for too long. Some of these monologues and a handful of other afternoons I spend being the listener in conversations, I make loops on my earphones that take a little too long to undo.

But today, as I undo these loops, I think of how light I felt yesterday. I felt like I could run the 4.5 miles long way home in a jiffy. Yesterday, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and a bigger one off of my chest. I felt okay yesterday. It's not really a rare occurrence. But on some those days, I also feel guilty for being okay. Yesterday wasn't one of those and I am so thankful to myself for that.

Yesterday, the thought of having to start all over again didn't scare me. I don't know what I want to start with, yet. But I am grateful that I have a set of things that I could start. It's a privilege I have created. Even if it means I will have to start with a fresh slate, I feel ready to begin.

All I need now is a little courage and even if now it will get even harder to reach my dreams, I know I don't want to lose myself again. So, starting fresh again is a lot better than me losing sight of myself.

There will be other afternoons when my earphones will face the wrath of my anxiety again. But hey, I was so happy to be okay yesterday and I love it.

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