I am not sure

And sometimes, all it takes is a simple "How are you?" to push one through a tunnel of what-ifs, hows and whys. Sometimes, it's just a simple "How are you?" that leaves you speechless. Sometimes, it's just a simple "How are you?" that makes you ask yourself "How am I?" Most often, you choose to say that you're okay - mostly to convince yourself. On most days, you choose to answer back with a "I'm fine" and the common courtesy of asking back how s/he is. On most days, you own't even realize that you are not saying that as an answer, you are saying that to make yourself believe that you are even on days when dark thoughts have been eating you- inside out. On most days, you are okay to say that you're okay even when you're not. And maybe that's okay. But maybe it's not.

Today was not most days for me. 

Rupesh asked me "How are you? Honestly." and here I am rambling on and on in a blog post instead of replying back to him. Rupesh, you're simple "How are you?" pushed me down a wormhole and I feel like I can't get myself out of it. 

But seriously, how am I?

I have my Board exams coming up in a few days.

I can't go hug my best friend who is back home.

I haven't had the chance to see my friends in almost over a month.

I haven't seen the sunlight since the past four days. 

I have been sleeping way too late and wake up way too early.

I got my heart broken by myself not too long away.

I have been drinking way too much Tang- against Ama's liking.

I want my exams to be over before they've even started.

I have been taking up unusually long time to study two pages.

I haven't had the chance to ask myself how am I.

Seriously, how am I?

I am not so sure about how I feel about all of this. 

But hey! I am not bawling my eyes out and crying about this in the rooftop. I am here in my room, typing furiously at my keyboard and I am trying to figure out how I am. Now, that's news. 

But, darn it, one thing I know for sure is that I'd love to be fine. 

*blinks eyes rapidly*