as i move through

I could see you each day, talk to you for hours. I could see you smile, forget all worries and smile along. How was I supposed to know what time had planned for us? How was I supposed to know that our days were numbered? I could find reasons to smile even in grief, for you. I could pause chores just to walk in silence with you. How was I meant to believe that our time was up? How was I meant to believe that everything had to stop? The twist of fate, the increasing variance. The test of apprehension, the verge of caving in. The maze of illusions, the change of thoughts. The diversion of paths, the banishment of trust. We could never get back the way we were. We could never walk along down the lane. May be, our fates had been netted in a war. May be, the scars had been left ajar. May be, our stars didn't long for us to be 'us'. May be, our stars couldn't fathom into constellations. May be, our stars had feasible paths chosen for you and I. May be, ...

My heart's in me but not what it feels. Still, I've no command in its words and ways. My heart's held tight, no wings brought out. Still, I've not heard it's plans and it's shout. Confusion, I'm already fenced by much. Dilemma, I've already been through a lot. Don't push me into more situations as such. Don't feed me with whims that come true not. I'm a friend; nothing less, nothing more. But not 'something' you deposit and withdraw. I'm a friend, not a visitor in your life. So, don't bring me in and kick me out as you like. I don't know what and how I feel. I don't know if, for you, I count or not. So, I don't expect for you to know, Whether I'm still there, or long gone.

You lay your hands on that smooth body, Trace your fingers along the lines. You turn the beat of your heart to a tune, Create melodies with all of your touches. I sigh as I can not talk, I just whisper. Give all my heart in every move I make. I let out a silent tear 'cause it hurts me bad. Write with all my heart even if you never see. You strum those strings; you love your guitar. You don't know being called; you just don't care. I love that pen; I adore those blank sheets. They don't listen but at least they let me speak. I need not be cared as that guitar, For once just let me say what my heart holds. I need not  be caressed as those strings, For once let go of all ties and feel what I mean. I need not be memorized as those chords, For once just know that I am there. I need not be held as that guitar, For once, just for once, see that I still wait. You can strum those strings. I can fill in all the words. For once, lets sing what...

I'm not in, I'm out; out of love. Tired of faking, tired of letting go. Once was choice, twice was mistake. But thrice? That hurts even in thoughts. I could have waited before, but not now. I'm asking you to come & you're slamming the doors. It's a dead end, I realize, the exits' closed. Left with no choice, I'm bound to change tracks. I'm not in, I'm out; out of love. My heart can no longer stay in debt. It needs a payback of love, not anything else. Pleading to you is vain, I should have known. I would let go and you'd move on. Something pulled me back but you'd be gone. It's all messed up and well hid amidst the fire. There're raging dark clouds but you don't let 'em rain. I'm not in, I'm out; out of love.